


Under The Surface

by sansjoshiki



Series: I Loved You First [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Brock Rumlow feels, Gay Brock Rumlow, Gay Bucky Barnes, Luis in Luurve, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, POV Third Person, protective Brock Rumlow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 09:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9602123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansjoshiki/pseuds/sansjoshiki
Summary: A possible collection of monologues and third-person  points of view of characters in I Loved You First.Chapter 1 takes place immediately after Chapter 3 of I Loved You First.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This teen Good Guy Brock was created specially for @kalika_999. Surprise, gal! Thanks for introducing me to the possibility. Could only save one of your boys though. M'sorry. 
> 
> Many thanks and much love to my patient sounding board, @velleities. Psychic bear hugs coming your way, Beta. 
> 
> And thank you @SweetTeaFrances for reminding me not to attack via accent. 
> 
> Earth-616 and MCU Brock Rumlow only if you squint from a one-arm handstand on a box of Lipton soup sachets while trying to avoid being hit in the head by a sentient durian.

Yo, Jackie.

So yeah, I've decided to call ya that. Can't just be talkin’ atcha ‘n not be callin’ ya somethin’, right? That’d just be weird. Heh. I mean it's weird talkin’ to ya at all, just so ya know, but yeah, I thought I'd give Dr. B’s idea a go. “Don't internalize so much, gotta work at gettin’ ya words out, build ya social skills” yada yada. He's not wrong, though I wasn't happy to hear what I already had in my mind said to my face. I mean, talkin’ now atcha, it has occurred to me it's easier to do this than to speak with an actual person. How fu- crazy is that? Guess I do have stuff to get off my chest, so we'll see how this works out.

Also, somethin’ happened t’day that had me finally crackin’ open the box ya came in, ‘n I really gotta tell someone ‘bout it. Maria ‘n Coach know part of it. That's Coach Nick by the way. My boxing coach at school. He 'n Maria are my foster parents. I... I'll tell ya 'bout 'em some other time, but they're great, y' know? I really lucked out with 'em. But I can't tell ‘em all of what happened today. I mean, I know they’ll understand, but I… I'm just not ready.

‘N the only other person I wish I could share this with, I can't, cos it's ‘bout him. So, here goes.

I- Well-

Ok ya gotta gimme a minute. I wanna tell ya but-

 _Christ_ it's like there's this buzzin’ in my head! ‘N a damn swarm of butterflies flappin’ ‘bout in my chest! It's like they want to get out but I can't-

Christ! I legit _can't_ talk about it what's wrong with me! Okay, okay, m’gonna come back to it later. Jeez.

So. Ok. Let's talk ‘bout somethin’ else. Lessee, ok, why Jackie. Well, I ain't gonna call ya Model ICD-UX530, am I. Just kiddin’, don't go blowin’ ya circuits on me now, alright? Get it? That was a joke, ‘case ya didn't know. Alright, a pretty lame one. I don't got- I don't have much practice bein’ funny. But’m tryin’, ‘k? Gimme a break.

So, Lil Jackie Rollins. My brotha from anotha motha.

Whoa. Just replayed that. I- Well, it sounds weird, but not in a bad way? I mean, I don't speak like that except in my head. Guess this givin' voice to my thoughts deal is a good idea, huh? 

Ok, so, Jackie. My only real friend to tell ya da truth, when I lived in the LES. He was the best. Yeah, the best. God, there isn't a day I don't miss him! He was the reason why I got outta da Crims. If he hadn't-

Well if he hadn't died, i’d’ve never gotten out. Not on my own two feet at least.

That sounds like a load of drama, don't it. I can talk ‘bout this now cos it took Dr. B nearly a year to help me thru it, but I'll tell ya this, it still weighs like a stone in my heart, w- what happened to Jackie.

Gimme a sec. Got summin’ in my eye.

Ok. Yeah. So Jackie, he was eight, a year younger’n me when we met. He was already in the group home when I got sent there. Had been there for three years, ‘n cos he was small for his size, I mean like really small- What can ya ‘xpect, nourishin’ us wasn't their priority. So, cos he was pretty runty, he got picked on a lot by some of the kids at the home ‘n most of the ones at school. But that stopped when I got there. I mean, someone hadda look out for him.

Stoppin’ some assh- kids from beatin’ da crap outta him was how I got picked to join the Crims. That's the Savage Crims by the way. Don't believe what ya hear 'bout how gentrification’s pushed out da gangs. They're there. The Crims’re one of da larger gangs too, though at the time I didn't know that. Didn't know what sorta gang it was either, to be honest.

No really, s’true, I didn't know. I don't think any of us kids did. I mean, I wasn't dumb. I knew they hadda be dealin’ drugs, maybe a protection racket, those kinda things. Which crew doesn't do that, right? But I didn't really know the scope of their activities cos they kept all their dealings compartmentalized I guess? Us kids, those of us below twelve, we were divvied into small cells. Jackie ‘n me, Pier ‘n Spitbomb, we were in one. We'd meet up with the other cells after school to do homework ‘n shoot some hoops, ‘n some of us older ones would get self-defense ‘n weapons trainin’. Yeah, like real weapons. Howda dismantle ‘n reassemble ‘em. Howda shoot ‘em. Huh, I know how that sounds, but listen, I was a kid! I thought it was cool to learn somethin’ most kids my age only saw on TV. Didn't know at da time that they were groomin’ us. Just thought it was, y’know, like I said,  cool.

So in exchange for all this, they had us do collection runs for ‘em. Know what I mean? We'd go pick up money from one cell ’n take it to another. I guess that's how the money went up the chain. Or we'd post up. That's when we hadda keep a lookout for da cops ‘n other crews. All safe stuff. Nobody got hurt, to my knowledge.

Alex kept an eye on us.

Huh. Alex. No-Last-Name Alex. Only of course now I know it's Pierce. The sonovabitch.

He was our mentor, I guess ya could say. Was in his twenties. He treated Jackie ‘n me better’n we'd been treated at that crappy group home we were in. He made sure we didn't skip classes either, ‘n that we at least maintained our grades. Only I didn't do so good at school cos of my dyslexia. But Alex taught me howda voice out a word so I’d remember it better. To get the taste of it on my tongue. I was good at ‘memberin’ stuff I'd heard ‘n picked up languages pretty quick, ‘n doin’ what he said made these easier.

I know now what sorta snake he was, but ya know what? Back then, I’d’ve done pretty much anythin’ fer him. Da way he would sit with Jackie ’n help him read. That took a lotta patience ‘n no other adult i knew helped the kid that way. Our teachers would either make him sit right at da back of the class or just plain ignore him cos he was so quiet.

'N Alex didn't treat me like the kid I was? He… he made me feel like I knew what I was doin’. Like I wasn't some useless throwaway kid with a screwed up brain who couldn't read right. Bet he woulda bought me somethin’ like you too, eventually, to help me out at school. Guess he didn't cos maybe he thought I hadn't learnt responsibility yet? I mean, you're not cheap, y’know. When Maria ‘n Coach gave ya to me last week, it was so I'd use ya to record my lessons come January. They wouldn't tell me how much ya cost, but ya sure don't look like something that fell off the back of a truck.

Anyway, Alex. He'd say dyslexia was a gift ‘n that I was special ‘n that I was meant for great things. So I let it get to my head.

When you're a kid with nothin’, havin’ someone say they believe in ya is everythin’, know what I mean?

D’you know he never lost his temper with us? Not once. Not even with Spitbomb whose forte was, well ya can guess. Two years younger’n me ‘n a stick insect, but boy could he hoick up spitballs when he didn't get his way. He was one disgustin’ fu- child. _No. Fucker._

No, look. I just wanna be myself talkin’ to ya, ‘k? I gotta mind how I speak round most people but I ain't gonna censor myself witcha, ‘k? I ain't gonna mind my P’s ‘n Q’s. It's not that I can't speak proper. I can! I let some ‘dat’, ‘da’ ‘n ‘ta’ slip in sometimes, ‘n I know I could work more on my syntax ‘n enunciation, but here, listen to this -

To be, or not to be: that is THE question: Whether 'tis nobler in THE mind to suffer THE slings AND arrows of outrageous fortune somethin' somethin' AND by oppoSING end THEM?

Bucky helped me out with that. That was one crazy afternoon, da two of us shoutin’ Hamlet from his rooftop. He'd got this idea dat doin’ that would help me taste da words better so I'd remember ‘em. I did too. Only I ain't been practicin’ lately, but that's on me. ‘

'N I love words! I love knowin’ the right word to use at da right time. I may not be able ta read somethin' like, say, ‘tenacious’ or, or ‘façade’ without gettin’ a headache, but they sure taste _beautiful_ on my tongue.

So what I'm sayin’ is, I can talk proper, but I wanna be myself witcha. ‘Sides, da people I care ‘bout say I gotta be true to myself, so _waddaya gonna do aboat da way I tawk, ay_? Heh, didja see what I did there? Threw in a lil Canadian too. No one I know actually speaks like dat anymore.

Where was I? Ok yeah. So, Alex was patient. Only later I realized it was less brotherly 'n more of a shark glidin' under da surface, waitin' fer its next meal kinda patience. Huh. If that motherfucker wasn't already in jail, I'd personally find a way to kill him for what he did.

When I turned thirteen, he told me I was old ‘nuff to make a drop. ‘Course I knew what sorta drop it was, but… but I didn't wanna do it. I know it's hypocritical of me to say this, ‘n I got no excuse, but it's one thing to know that da gang was dealin’ ‘n quite another to actually havta do it yerself. ‘N my ma, she’d died from an overdose. Ya had to’ve been there to see it, to see her shakin’ ‘n pukin’ her guts out from the bad E 'n speedballs she'd taken. ‘N da sounds she was makin’... da shriekin'- 

Well ya had to’ve seen it ta understand why I didn't wanna go thru with it. ‘N I guess dat’s when the seed of doubt sprouted. I knew I hadda get Jackie ‘n me outta da crew. The seed must've been there for awhile, but da reality of what being in a gang truly meant hit me that day.

Jackie knew how I felt. Didn't havta say a word to him, he knew. Could read me like a book, that one. But gettin’ away needed time ‘n plannin’, so I went with what Alex wanted me to do.

Jackie was beside himself the day of da drop. Wouldn't let go of my t-shirt. In the end, Alex allowed’im to go with me. He drove us ‘n an older kid to an underpass where we'd make da drop. Never met da kid b’fore, never knew his name. We were both given .357 magnums, “just in case”, Alex said. Da fuckin’ gun was bigger than my hand. My hand, my legs, they were shakin’ so much. Jackie ‘n Alex stayed in da car ‘n I wish I hadn't looked back at Jackie when da other kid ‘n I got out cos he... he looked… _terrified._ Never seen him look that way. Not even when he used to get pummeled.

Two guys were already there, standin’ at their car waitin’ for us. Long story short, the deal turned out to be somethin’ else entirely. Even now I don't know exactly how it went down, it all happened too fast. I told da cops ‘n Dr. B ‘n replayed it over ‘n over in my head, but all I know is da baggy of meth was just a ploy. Da boy was holdin’ it out one moment to one of da men, then throwin’ it down ‘n bringin' his gun up ta fire at him da next. One of da detectives in charge of da case asked me if I thought it was a vendetta killin’. I didn't know. I don't know. But what happened was the other guy shot at da car ‘n hit Jackie in da n… neck.

Alex shoved Jackie outta da car. J… just opened da door ‘n shoved him out. The other kid grabbed me ‘n tried to make me get in, but I wasn't gonna-

Wasn't gonna go without Jackie.

Oh boy. This is- This is-

Gotta stop for a bit, ok?

When da cops arrived, Jackie was gone. They thought I'd been hurt too, but that was all Jackie’s blood from arterial spray.

Jackie died because of me. No, not cos he wanted to go with me ‘n make sure I was ok. See, da day Alex recruited me, he'd seen me fightin’ some boys who’d been beatin’ da crap outta Jackie when I'd just left him for a minute to go take a leak. I'd made Alex take Jackie into da Crims too. I wasn't gonna leave him behind.

So he died cos of me.

Dr. Banner says it wasn't my fault. I- I'm not ready to agree. I ‘spose he'll have somethin’ to say when I tell him I've named ya after my dead best friend.

Thing is, forgettin’ is impossible. I… I don't know if it's alright to remember, but I wanna? 

I'm gonna take a break now, but hey, thanks for listenin’.

_________

Hey, m’back.

Think I'm ok to tell ya what happened today. I mean I could tell Maria or Coach, but maybe not just yet? ‘Sides, they don't gotta know da details, know what I mean?

You're not answerin', so I'm guessin’ you agree.

Ok, let's do this. So, this is about what happened with Bucky. That's James Buchanan Barnes, or Bucky to his friends, which by some miracle includes me.

Today. Well today I made him fall. I caught him just in time before he could topple down some stairs, but only just. May not’ve broken anythin’, but who knows? I mean, I've seen a light jab to da side’a da head cause a kid to get knocked out. Of course it was Meathook Moreira whose fist it was. Eleven years old but build like a fuckin’ tank. Still, fist, concrete, same difference if yer guardian angel don't got yer back.

Bucky was pale ‘n shakin’ like he had the worst case of the DTs. I gotta tell ya, i- it threw me. He looked… _devastated._ In all da time I've known him, I've never seen him unravel? I guess that's the best word for how he just came apart.

He's always happy, y’know? Like there's this light on inside him. Not a flashy sorta light like, like say Luis has. That kid's a fuckin’ Energizer Bunny! He's a good kid though. D’ju know Luis was da first person to welcome me to school last year? Kid just came upta me ‘n hugged me as if I was some long-lost buddy of his. Hustled me up to every student ‘n teacher who happened to be in the corridor before the bell rang ‘n introduced me to ‘em. I think I musta said ‘hi’ to more people in those ten or so minutes than in my whole life.

Bucky looked as if he was gonna collapse. I- I can't articulate how seein’ him like that made me feel. I didn't know what to do, so I did the only thing I could. I hugged him. ‘N then he just broke down. First it was this heartbreakin’ sobbin’, then silent tears into my neck.

 _Christ_ I just want to know who’d hurt him so bad so I could make ‘em _pay._

I dunno how long we'd been standin’ there. Gotta lotta looks lemme tell ya from people walkin’ past. A few people stopped by to ask if there was anything they could do. Some patted Buck ‘n me on da back. That was real kind of ‘em.

All that time though Buck stood there with his face buried in my neck like he… he didn't know anythin’ that was goin’ on outside our lil bubble. I was sweatin’ ‘n had t’ve been stinkin’ from my run, but I knew I couldn't ever let him go.

‘N I'll tell ya a lil secret, Jackie. I-

I-

Oh for Chrissakes Rumlow why's it so hard for ya to just _say_ it!

I wanted to kiss him! There! Said it!

This kid! This kid makes my stomach do… do flip-flops 'n my heart feel like it's gonna combust everytime he smiles at me! He makes my breath catch every time his smile is just for me. He… his giggle is  so... so beautiful I feel like it's hugging my... my soul. Ah I _know_ it cheesy, but that's how I feel 'round Buck! He was in my arms, shattered by somethin’ terrible ‘n all I could think of doin’ was kiss him. I feel like a perv tellin’ ya this, but that ain't the worst thing.

I did kiss him. Not _kiss_ kiss him. Just light ones, on the forehead ‘n his temple ‘n… ‘n over his eyes. Three times.  

Alright _five!_ Jesus Christ. I'd die if he remembers.

But I'd like him to?

I don't know!

I don't know what I'm doin’. I mean, I've known I'm gay since I was fourteen, but I've never felt this way ‘bout anyone!

I… I know part of it is cos of how Buck treats me. I mean, Steve's his best friend. Then there's Luis ‘n of course Wanda. ‘N basically everyone he knows he treats with care ‘n… ‘n consideration. But when he looks at me ‘n talks to me, it's like... like he thinks I'm worth it? 

Like when we did da Hamlet thing on his roof. That was cos Ms. Manen decided that us boys would all perform Hamlet’s part inna choral version of da play for ELA. Or, or last year when Mr. Zola said my name should’ve been Brick cos that's what I was as thick as seein’ as how I didn't know how to find da cube root of a monomial. Nobody needs to know how that cut me cos y’know, I spend my life feelin’ like I got no business bein’ in high school ‘n I should just drop out ‘n get a job somewhere. But then Bucky stood up for me. In fronna da whole class. Then Wanda ‘n Steve joined him ‘n pretty soon almost every other kid was callin’ Zola out for bein’ rude. I ain't ever seen anythin’ like it. ‘Course da whole class got detention ‘n those who hadn't stood up for me gave me da stink eye, but that day, Bucky made me feel-

Like I mattered, I guess.

But if I hadda say when I started feelin’ somethin’ for da kid, it’d haveta’ve been last year when we hadda do ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’. Buck volunteered to help me through it. By then everyone knew ‘bout my dyslexia, ‘n he'd gone ‘n done research on it. To help me. Someone he'd just known for a coupla weeks at that point.

I don't know what he saw on my face that day. Maybe  it was the shame I was feelin’ at not bein’ able to manage on my own. Maybe he was reactin’ to my awkward thanks, which I'd haveta admit sounded half-hearted to my ears. But he'd tugged me to him in a one-armed hug round my neck ‘n said, “Hey B, look. I'd be honored to do this with you. Let me? Please?"

I remember those words because they play on a loop at da back of my mind every wakin' moment. I remember everythin' about Buck that day. The way da corners of his mouth curled in that warm, _sweet_ smile of his. The way da color of his eyes changed from greyish-blue to _sapphire_ as we walked through a patch of sunlight. The way he smelled. There somethin’ unique ‘bout his scent. It's-

Wokay, I'm _NOT_ gonna go there.

Y’know what? I'm creepin’ myself out. I do sound like a perv! I'm laughin’ ‘n it's not even funny!

Jeez.

So anyway. I took him home to wash up. I guessed he wouldn't’ve wanted his ma or da girls to’ve seen him so wrecked. I had to force myself not to touch him as we headed home. It was hard, believe me.

Oh wait. I hope he didn't expect me to! Could he’ve been waitin’ for me to do that? But his hands were in his pockets da whole time. But what if that's cos _mine_ were in _mine!_

Ok, chill, Brock. Chill. _Hoo boy._

Ah ok. Alright. So, back home, Maria ‘n Coach were amazin’. They could tell right away how he was feelin’, so Coach made him take a nap on my bed.

You cannot imagine how I felt seein’ Bucky on my bed. Here. This bed. After all the nights I've lain here imaginin’-

Nope. Not gonna say. Nope.

I told Maria ‘n Coach I didn't know what’d happened when they asked, but they didn't poke at Buck when he woke up. They're cool dat way. But they're sneaky too. I mean I came out to them when I first met ‘em, ‘n there they were at the dinner table, _waggling_ their eyebrows at me when Buck wasn't lookin’!

Heh. Those two.

And ya know what? Bucky asked me for a hug when I walked him home. You know how that made me feel? That I could finally give him somethin’ for all da times he'd been there for me? My heart felt like it was gonna burst! So ‘course I gave him one. I'd give him a hundred,  a thousand if he'd let me.

I'd like to know who hurt Bucky today, but I don't know if he'll ever say. He'll probably tell Steve though, the way they're joined at da hip. That's ok. As long as he's got somebody there for him. 

I just hope he knows I'm in his corner too.

If I sound like a lovesick fool,  I'm startin’ to think I am. ‘N it's not helpin’ that I'm lyin’ here in bed ‘n da sheets smell of him.

Also not helpin’ that I don't _even_ know if he's gay. Don't have much of a gaydar, me. But what if he is though? D’ya think he'd want someone like me? I don't know. I can hope, I guess?

Dunno if Dr. B’s gonna wanna listen to ya - won't that be mortifyin’! But if he does, I think he'll have his socks knocked off by how much I've spoken today. I've said more to ya than anyone else. In my _life!_ You've been a great listener, Jackie. Just like ya namesake. Am turnin’ ya off now, but maybe tomorrow, same time?

‘Night.

 

**Author's Note:**

> *LES - Lower East Side 
> 
> *I've taken so many liberties with teen Brock. Hydra Husbands experts, my cranium is soft and my brain so very squishy, so please no fruit with hard rinds. And no coconuts. 
> 
> *Canadians DO NOT say 'aboot'. For real, ay.
> 
> *'To Kill A Mockingbird' by Harper Lee! Favorite.Book.Of.All.Time.
> 
> *If you'd like an I Loved You First character given the monologue/pov treatment, let me know. I'm game to try. What sound? Oh, that wail of pain? Oh, that's just my Beta. No worries, she's cool. And also on the other side of the planet. Way *way* on the other side.
> 
> *I have no idea how this Part 2 is labeled Part 7. If only I were that prolific! Am working on amending it.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
